Thursday, March 09, 2006

TO PEE OR NOT TO PEE!!!

This post is kinda long,i know but u should have great fun reading it...
Prologue:

The reason i m writng this post is cos i was reminded of a particular incident that took place a year back....it plagued me so much so that i had a nightmare a few days back...

If there s one thing i ve been using regularly in my life it would be my medical insurance...i ve got my tonsils,addenoids(up in my nose), and a cyst or somethin removed from my shoulder...And the latest addition to this was getting my septum (its the bone in the nose) corrected...

Okie thats enough of medical history,i ll get on with it...

I got admitted in a luxury suite at this super hi tech Appolo hospital...Things were pretty good : a/c,big screen tv,phone,sexy view and a marble floored loo...i was wondering if i was at the right place...The nurses seemed pleasant,although they came every hour to stick a needle in my butt..
One of them offered to give me a sponge bath the next day as i might be incapacitated,naturally i said 'no thanks lady'....

Finally it was time for me to get operated,they rolled me to the operation theater in the typical cineama stretcher types...once there i was strapped on,and they gave me my general anesthesia..if u havent experienced anesthesia,man u should,its this totally rad feelin:for one things go blurred slowly,voices seem distant and u jus cant keep ur eyelids open....Aaaahhh i feel so nostalgic when i type this...

By now u must be thinkin where the hell's this guy goin....read on mes amis...

8:00 pm The operation went a-okay and i was back in my hi-tech room..when i got up i was feelin super stoned,damn groovy man...i felt totally numb,nothin seemed to hurt, i should say it was lookin pretty gud, until..... i got this sudden urge,an intense urge down under...
hell, i needed to pee badly...i started to get up when i realised that i had a helluva lot a things strapped on to me, so i pressed this hi-tech button near my bed which beckoned my hi-tech nurse....
As she entered,I was jus bout to explain my problem when i realised that it was the same woman who offered me the 'sponge bath',and i lamely asked for a glass of water; which btw she made me drink....

I thought that i could get thro the night,but with the extra glass of water,jus made my sweet life harder...i phoned them this time,an a guy responded ,probably the ward boy;i explained to him my predicament, and i should say he was pretty prompt...he entered the room, and jus when i thought he was gonna emancipate me,he threw in a googly...

The following is a excerpt from the conversation i had with the ward dude...

He came close to me and jutted this vase like thingy out and said "ithu ok va"( translated as is this ok ?)

Moi: (I was like Heelllooooooo,thats a vase man , i 'm serious guys it was literally a vase with a slightly big hole,no kiddin'!!!) i explained again that i needed to use the loo...

guy:'doctors said that u cant get up so u need to use the bed pan'-the vase finally had a name..

Left with very few alternatives i finally opted for it....(go ahead laugh ur heart out)... so he gives it to me and turns around,as though that makes it less awkward...so there i was lying in bed,trying to put my thingy into that thingy...I tried really hard to pee,probably the first time in my life i put my heart and soul into something....after bout a minute the guy turns around...

guy: 'over aaah'
moi:(pretty embarrassed) 'illa'

He turns around again and signals round 2...then i formulate this plan whereby psychologicallly speakin if i thought of water bodies it might help me ease my burden...i was thinkin more like Niagara,dams bursting out,fountains squirting water to great heights...and all this time the vase was tucked up under my aaarghhh...

i gave up,i jus couldnt do it...Failure has never cost me greater suffering...He leaves my room giving me the 'its okay,the important thing is that u tried hard' kinda look...He promised he ll call for a doc...

9 30 pm:I eagerly waited for my messiah...And then things jus seemed to get better....My messiah apparently was this med student sorta female!!, I was like 'God puhleaase,show some pity'... After some plesantries and some pretty irritating giggles from her on my narration of the incident,she gave me a slightly better alternative: stand beside the bed and pee!! and the worst thing was there needed to be someone in the room as i was still pretty tipsy...when i pleaded her to use the loo,she picked up the phone and consulted the doctor....

12 30 pm:By now,almost everyone including the watchman knew there was this kid in room somethin-0-somethin who jus refused to pee...slowly a few docs came,fumin,cos they had to come all the way for such an insignificant issue(yeah right)...they explained that since the operation was done in my nose,blood would errupt on the slightest attemt to get up...

After half hour of comtemplation they finally gave the thumbs up...Accompanied by the ward dude i slowly got to the loo... the following few minutes were truly outta this world... I was like 'Alleluiah...';when i flushed, i've to date never felt a greater sense of achievement,probably tantamount to Lance Armstrong winning the Tour De France...i got out and the the nurses&docs had a big grin on their faces...i got back to bed...

Job well done!!

9 Comments:

Blogger Vishnu Vyas said...

Hmm.. urophobia is not something to be ashamed of (u ob. r not, though).. Well, every ones had a time, when they thought they could do something, when they thought they were in their element, when they thought it would all be smooth sailing .. (or in your case smooth flowing).. but they did fuck it up in the end. It was the elections for the BJP, cricket for ganugly (hmm.. does he even know thats what he's supposed to do on field).. and urologoical challenges for you my friend!!.

Disclaimer : The writer of this comment claims, to the writee of the comment that it is not supposed to make any sense whatsover. Any sense made is only coincidential and not intentional. Hence the writer will not be liable at any cost to serendepitious events making the comment to make sense.

1:16 AM  
Blogger Praveen said...

Be happy din ask u to shit in that vase! :P

Am wondering why they din use this tube thingy for u? It collects in a small bag u know :)

But one thing...it was really stupid of u to ask for a glass of water when dams were bursting out and fountains were squirting water to great heights :)

7:36 AM  
Anonymous sweety said...

hey thanq for dropping by...oh my blog..very big post here...i ll come again n give comment...plz don mind...!

4:57 AM  
Blogger anubhav said...

OMG!!! u rejected the sponge bath offer???....
and what's a hi tech nurse....

and i agree asking for water was a bad idea, telling the truth wid women mostly helps..

9:22 AM  
Blogger Prashanth said...

hey anubhav,
sponge bath somehow didnt seem a nice idea man...dunno why...

1:17 PM  
Blogger Bhavesh said...

roflol... i sympathize wid u. but that was really funny :D

8:34 PM  
Blogger S m i t h a said...

ROTFL
ROTFL
ROTFL
can't stop laughing!

6:23 AM  
Blogger Raghu said...

Hey Prashanth, the way you have given the accounts of your ordeal is really howlarious...

'I put my thingy in that thingy', how much more graphic can you get, hi hi heeee... heeee...

Hats off to your 'thingy' for not sustaing any leaks under such highly pressurised (pun intended) circumstances lasting for a whole four and a half hours.

Happy peeing...

bye
Raghu.

4:08 AM  
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